America's Got a Big Fat Talented Liar

As shocking as Michael Grimm's season finale win on America's Got Talent were the tearful confessions he shared moments after the million dollar check was in his hand. The fifth season of the hit reality show culminated tonight in a showdown between Grimm and fellow finalists, Jackie Evancho - the mega-talented child opera singer, Prince Poppycock - the unfortunately named drag queen/Moulin Rouge throwback, and the always flashy dance troop - Fighting Gravity. Although many contend that runner-up Evancho was robbed, by the end of the two hour program this viewer learned four things with absolutely certainty:

1. I still don't like opera.
2. Dance troops are really cool.
3. I'm not convinced dressing up like a "Dangerous Liasons" character constitutes talent.
4. And what America's got is way more advertising than than anything else.

What I didn't learn during the show, and what I only know because my sister's boyfriend's aunt's cousin's little brother is a production assistant for The Biggest Loser (which uses AGT's Studio 36 during the day), is that less than a half an hour after he accepted his Vegas contract and his million dollar check, Michael Grimm confessed that he was not the man America thought he was at all.

In his first few appearances on AGT, Grimm spoke tearfully about his grandparents who raised him, encouraged him musically, and took him around to bars in Mississippi to show off his talents. On numerous occasions he said that his goal in winning America's Got Talent was to repay his debt to his grandparents for their love and guidance, and to repay their debt which they incurred in the wake of Hurricane Katrina's devastation of their Louisiana home. Every time he shared these intimate details, the collective sigh of America's voting audience was palpable.

Once the seed of sympathy was planted, it grew disproportionately to Grimm's talent carrying him all the way to the finale. Along the way, Grimm used his back story to his advantage, playing songs that helped the judges and the audience remember why he was there. Early on he covered the song "Katrina was Her Name," by American blues guitarist, Bryan Lee. A few weeks later, he finger-plucked the old Scorpion's ballad, "Rock You Like a Hurricane." Tonight Grimm concluded with a modified but soulful rendition of "When a Man Loves a Woman Whose House Got Flooded By a Natural Disaster and Who Doesn't Have Any Insurance At All."

Less than an hours after AGT finished filming, Grimm broke down in tears. While judges, cast, and crew assumed the emotions had merely caught up with him.

"I did it," Grimm said between tears, "I fucking did it. I can't believe everyone bought it, but they did."

"Bought what, luv?" a confused Sharron Osbourne asked.

"Me!" the bohemian, Silverlake native explained, "You bought me. I made it all up. Everything. I wasn't raised by my grandparents. They live in The Valley for Chrissakes. As if I'd ever live there. Gross."

"What about Hurrican Katrina? The devastation?" Piers Morgan interjected.

"Please," Grimm said, "Who wouldn't vote a white Katrina survivor? I did my research, Piers."

"So all of it was a lie?" Mandel asked.

"Well, not all of it," Grimm confessed wiping away the last of his tears, "I did bang a girl named Katrina once. And I do love The Scorpions. But that's it. You gotta love this country," Grimm concluded, saluting the AGT crew with his million dollar check as he grabbed his coat and his Las Vegas contract and walked out the door.

 A Tearful Grimm Tells All

Now America's got some serious thinking to do now...

Should the prize money go to one of the other finalists? Or should it be donated to a virtuous cause for future talents such as "Baby DJs of America?"