Thursday, September 2, 2010

Morton Hears a Ho

And it's probably coming from Lindsey Lohan's mouth, sent C.O.D. to Jeniffer Aniston.

So, you ask, are the rumors true? Has the the Pink Taco King upgraded from the former child fashion model come pop singer/Hollywood celeb/high profile drug addict for an older, ambery-jasmine smelling model with much better acting skills? The rumor mills are turning as fast as Lohan's revolving door at the Betty Ford clinic, but nobody seems to know the truth.

Until now.

Parenting From the Upside Down reporter, Fay Key McUppins, got the exclusive story right from the horse's mouth. And by horse, I mean Harry Morton. Have you seen that guy's jaw? Yikes. How does he get any action? According to McUppins, Morton has not denied or confirmed the rumor that he is dating the former Mrs. Pitt, but during the interview they were interrupted by a UPS delivery of a large box of DVDs including the anniversary set of "Friends," "Along Came Polly," and twelve other Aniston movies including - and if this doesn't say secret public romance - "Bruce Almighty."

When questioned about the delivery, Morton deflected saying, "I think I'm most like Chandler. Who are you like?" McUppins persisted, noticing the Bristle dartboard across the room with Brangelina's faces on it and the unique smell of citrus, rose, and wild violets coming from Harry's desk? When asked about the odor Morton leaned back in his chair and smiled, "Yeah...isn't it great? I've been wearing it for a week now and it just makes me feel like I can laugh at life, you know. Lola vie, the French say," but would not disclose the name of the scent.

When McUppins finally caught up with Aniston, she was equally cryptic, saying, "I know I played Rachel for ten years, but in real life I think I'm more like Phoebe." When asked if the rumors about her and Morton were true, she admitted she was a fan of his restaurant, siting his special sauce as the reason she goes back for more all the time. "I have met him," she added, "And it turns out we both love pink tacos - a lot." Aniston smiled mischievously, then exited the room in a cloud of citrus-amber-rose.

Meanwhile, at a traffic light somewhere between the county jail and the local rehab, McUppins caught up with Lohan to get her thoughts. Rolling down her window, Lohan slurred, "I called her last week, and was like, 'Do you wanna hang out?' And her sister hung up on me, so I was like keep your friends close but your enemies closer, you know?" and then sped away through the still red light in a cloud of nicotine, alcohol, and failure.

And that was the last Fay Key McUppins saw of any of them.


So now that we've had a glimpse of what the world learned, let's talk about what Amari and I learned today.

What has Amari Learned?

My poor, little munchkin is under the weather. It's been a bad run of sleepless nights this week, ranging from tooth pain to indigestion to the wonderful world of stuffy noses and blocked tear ducts. I was up writing last night until one, spamming my spoof story to other blogs, and then Amari had me up three hours later. With full-time stay-at-homery just around the corner and a day off today, I knew I'd better get used to this duty.

When we got downstairs Amari immediately began pulling herself up onto the living room table, lowering herself down, rinsing and repeating. What demanded weeks of caution and hard work was now effortless for her. She found new, taller items, reaching for drawer handles in the kitchen, cupboards in the laundry room. The days of leaving her unattended are clearly behind me. At one point, our more feral cat, Odie, was sitting peacefully on an end table unaware of Amari's new skill set. She spotted him across the room, crawled rapidly beneath his visual radar, and then popped her head up to a paralyzed kitty who had no idea what to do.

Another thing Amari is learning is the meaning of the word "No." Or at least the tone of the word "No!" When she goes for cords or plugs or anything on the list of "Oh Shit I Guess We're Not Really Child Proofed" I'll give her a firm but loving, "Amari - NO." If she's reaching for something, she stops, turns to me, then crawls somewhere else. If she already has something in her hand, she stops, turns to me, and hands whatever it is directly to me as though that were her intention all along. "I was just tasting the vacuum cord for you," I imagine she'd say. It's pretty freakin' cute. I abuse the power sometimes because it's awesome or because I really want the remote.

Lastly, Amari has now learned to "click" her tongue thanks to the efforts of her cousin, Siobhan, her Granny C, and probably her aunt Olga many months ago. She picked it up so quickly from Siobhan this week, that I started to wonder if it's an evolutionarily developed skill that comes from the Earth's early languages in Africa. Who knows? And it doesn't matter at all. I'm just constantly impressed with the learning process as it unfolds before my eyes on a daily basis. Although she's not saying anything yet, I know she understands words and patterns, which makes talking to her in the morning much more interesting. She's recently a big fan of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider."

What Have I Learned?

In analyzing my last two blogs, I've learned absolutely nothing about where this imaginary money I'm making is coming from. What I do know is that writing about reality shows like Dancing with the Stars brought in record-breaking earnings on Wednesday (almost $14) while making fun of alleged child-killers brought in record-breaking traffic, less but still respectable earnings ($10), and one incendiary comment. There's no such thing as bad press, right? The moral of the story - I still know jack about monetizing blogs and making money on the Internet, but I'm kind of excited that I'm able to do it anyway. Does this make me a professional writer? I guess it just goes to show you...

I actually don't know what it goes to show you.

Stay tuned...

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