Just hours after his surprising and emotional win on America's Got Talent's season 5 finale, Michael Grimm got a taste of the bitter side of rock stardom as the Internet was flooded with claims that he'd made up his entire back story to pull at the heartstrings of American voters. Word on the cyber street was that Grimm accepted his million dollar check and his Vegas contract and announced to the world that he was a fraud.
Not since the hanging chads of 2000 held Bush, Gore, and our great nation hostage with political uncertainty, had the results of an American vote become so controversial.
In the subsequent hours, thousands (yes thousands) of people followed a mysterious link to a parenting blog of all places where they read the disappointing news they worried might be true. By seven o'clock this morning, Yahoo and Google news had swooped up the link, sending thousands more outraged Grimm fans to stand up with their keyboards and defend their new-found hero with the vehemence that can only come from the deep, heart-felt connection elicited by watching a total stranger perform cover songs on national TV. Profanities were "uttered," lawsuits were threatened, and all the while not a single reader offered to make even a small donation to "Baby DJs of America."
Now, less than a day later, the source of the "Michael Grimm is a Big Fat Talented Liar" rumor has come forward to make a public apology. At ten o'clock this evening, Michael Evancho, father to AGT's runner-up and talented opera singer, Jackie, made an anonymous call and confessed. "I was just so frustrated with the American voters," he began, "My daughter, Jackie, was clearly the most talented act in the show, and I think America blew it."
Mr. Evancho went on to read a letter he'd prepared with his sentiments about America's Got Talent, Michael Grimm, and the American people. "It's been a long day," Evancho sighed, "When I leaked the story about Michael last night I was bitter and angry. I wasn't thinking clearly. I wanted to hurt Michael's feelings. I wanted to hurt them badly. Now that I've had a day to reflect and sift through the angry comments I elicited, I realize it's time to come clean." He flipped his paper over and continued reading.
"After seeing all the angry responses written to the totally innocent stay-at-home dad whom I'd leaked the story to, I knew I had to take responsibility and set the story straight. That being said, I feel as though I must apologize, from the bottom of my heart...to the rest of the world for having to put up with 350 million of the stupidest people on the planet. How America is a super-power at all is beyond me. I'm starting to think that reality shows are the equivalent of Aldus Huxley's Soma, blatantly keeping our citizens intoxicated with apathy through the use of the emotional pornography that is reality television."
"I've learned a lot through this experience," Evancho continued.
1. I've learned that the Internet is a dangerous place for the moronic and undiscerning and yet a playground for anyone with half a brain.
2. I've learned that, although America has some talent, what it really has is an abundance of semi-retarded followers looking for a shepherd, regardless of whether he leads with a song, a dance, or a Texas accent as thick as its owner.
3. I've learned that people who complain about wasting time reading nonsense on the Internet are the same people who waste even more time writing inexplicably long comments about just how disappointed they are in themselves for wasting time.
4. I've learned that only 3 out of 18 people (that's less than 20%) have a sense of humor at all, while another 20% claim they have a sense of humor, but either just aren't willing to laugh at funny things or have been spending too much time reading their own mind-numbingly boring blogs.
5. And finally, I've learned that America is a litigious society through and through, and when people run out of adjectives or support for their opinions, they immediately threaten lawsuits. For example, "Instead I found it sad, shameful, misinformed, hateful, and something worthy of suing you for." A comment pulled from yesterday's blog.
So that's my apology, America," Michael Evancho concluded, "I'm sorry I leaked the story, I'm sorrier you believed it, and I'm sorriest of all that it may contribute to the rise of Michael Grimm's fame in any way."
In other AGT news, Prince Poppycock was seen ducking out of a nightclub with the other Michael Grimm - Republican Congressional candidate - and you are not going to believe what happened next. Well, unless you're the average American - then you'll probably believe every word...
Note to Readers: This blogger has now been arrested and is in custody: