Sunday, December 13, 2009

Amare B Fishman vs Amare Stoudemire

After my latest entry about naming our daughter Amari, I received a huge influx of e-mails from the Amare Stoudemire Fan Club boasting that their basketball hero is undoubtedly the greatest Amar(i)(e) ever born. And by "a huge influx" I mean two e-mails, and by "boasting" I mean "having nothing to do with." I got one e-mail about debt consolidation and another one from Netflix telling me that "Ugly Betty" is on its way. Nevertheless, I feel compelled by my paternal instincts to respond to these imaginary comparisons by providing a completely objective, unbiased breakdown in:

The Battle of the Amar(i)(e)s



Birth Sign

Stoudemire: November 16, 1982

Fishman: November 5, 2009

Advantage: None. They're Scorpios, which by reputation is a disadvantage for both of them. I don't want to alienate my Scorpio readers, but it has been my personal experience that Scorpios are the type of people who, when the center of the universe is eventually discovered, will be disappointed that it's not them. If you're a Scorpio and you're reading this, please feel free to comment and prove me wrong. If you're not and you agree, check out the cute t-shirts available for expectant parents that say, "I don't care if I have a boy or a girl as long as I don't have a Scorpio."


Stoudemire: Amare was conceived in Lake Wales, Florida by Carrie and Hazell Stoudemire. He grew up strong, fast, and athletic, learning to play both football and basketball very well. He was smart, but struggled academically and eventually went straight from high school into professional basketball - drafted ninth overall by the Phoenix Suns.

Fishman: Amari was conceived in a conversation by Carrie and I long before her birth. Neither one of us wanted kids or marriage when we met, but time, turbulence, and tragedy - the death of her father and my mother - changed the way we felt. We wanted our own family, and years later we were finally ready. Amari is also smart and strong and more impressively managed to go straight from the womb into our living room - drafted first all over by a breeze coming through the front door.

Advantage: Amari B Fishman. While the mothers' names are a wash, Isaac narrowly beats out Hazell because he spells it with two L's. Plus it's a girl's name. In additon, home birth trumps everything - especially skipping college to play a game for money.


Stoudemire: 6 feet 10 inches
Fishman: 6 pounds 10 ounces

Advantage: None. It's clearly a tie.

Injury Report

Stoudemire: Suffered a knee injury in 2005 and underwent microfracture surgery that caused him to miss nearly the entire 2006 season. Last year, he had to miss another eight weeks after getting poked in the eye.

Fishman: Suffered a (slightly) severed thumb in November '09 when her dad tried to clip her fingernails without sufficient lighting. She recovered and returned to scratching herself in the face the very next day, often coming dangerously close to her eyes.

Advantage: No brainer.

Raw Athletic Talent /all-important Vowel Ending category

Well, this live action photo taken only weeks after Amari's birth really says it all. Even though she's not much of a talker yet, she knows her spelling rules.

Winner and Undisputed Champion: Amari B Fishman

I hope this puts to rest the fiery (tepid at best) debate that has been raging on (inside my head) for ages (several days). I imagine there will be no more talk of our daughter, Amari B Fishman, being named after basketball legend, Amare Stoudemire. In fact, I suspect that this lopsided competition will actually inspire many to question whether he in fact was named after her by his time traveling father, Hazell (the way they spell it in the future), whom I expect to meet any day now.



  1. So goddamn funny. Both my girls are scorpios.

  2. i just saw amare contribute nine whole points to a loss to the pipsqueak warriors. c'mon now. that's weak sauce. and what's up w/ those james worthy throwback glasses? garbage. amari. in her own words of sagedom, "i before e, bitch".
    p.s. amare is on my fantasy team, autodraft...spooky eh?